


The Bird With No Wings

by Minatu



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Erika Kurosawa (OC), M/M, Original Character Death(s), eventual romance maybe??, minor asanoya, minor daisuga, suicide TW
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-29
Updated: 2015-11-01
Packaged: 2018-04-28 20:35:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5104868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Minatu/pseuds/Minatu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tanaka's childhood friend died.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> _This wall is primal, my grinding jaw_   
>  _The headache pill, the necktie on my bedroom floor_   
>  _My conscience burning_   
>  _My eyes are too_   
> 
> 
> \- "Famy" by Ava

_Dear Someone,_

_Once, I wanted to tell the truth. Back before I knew that the truth was actually a bad thing. Before I knew that truths that instilled terror were the ones you lied about. My emotions, **feelings** , they **exist** , sure, but they’re not like the ones you read in books, see in TV shows or movies. Not just the glistening romances either. Even the strange, twisted feelings that most people can’t comprehend completely are unlike my own. I’ve never been able to relate to characters._

_Someone might be smart, antisocial both they still seem to fit in this category that is still human. I do not fall into this category. I know that now. I hate it. I wish I had this capacity. The one that allowed me to empathize as opposed to emulate. All I am is a bag of learned behaviours._

_My knowledge consists of the ability to guess and to **appear**. I know how to act around each type of person. It makes me rather likeable. Easiest is in one-on-one to small groups of three or so. Those sorts are really the easiest to express a sort of humanity around. I can handle those. Above that number, or with unknown variables, I get nervous. Sometimes I get shaky, wary and fall quiet. I’m terrified, and I turn to a block of ice. I desire a feel of some control, and until I retain it, the world feels like it’s pulsating._

_My smaller fears appear in my laughter, which is never the same. I rarely use the same laugh consistently. I don’t even know what my real laugh sounds like. I don’t think anyone does. The bigger my fears grow, the more I think someone will see into the depths of my loneliness, my fabrication of who **I** am, the more cruel I become, the less the air feels like it’s even getting into my lungs. Someone will **see**. Someone will know that I am not normal. That I do not belong._

_I know that everyone can tell to some degree. It’s not hard to. I can’t perfect normalcy if I’m constantly ~~altering~~ changing, adjusting and seeking out the colloquialisms of humankind. It’s not something I can simply **understand**. Most of it makes little sense to me. I don’t know why no one laughs at all the things that people laugh at. A sense of humor, it is called. I laugh at all of it, the witty and depraved._

_It frightens me. My inability to do much more than merely go through the motions. Even if it is like breathing at this point. I do it with very little thought about it now. I worry about my appearance because I know it’s important to everyone else. I complain about little points on my body because everyone else does it. Flaws are the easiest after all. I’ve had a lot of help with that one, after all. Someone used to tell me what was wrong with me every time they had the chance. I still hear their voice sometimes, whispering negativities in my mind in that same sharp, irritated tone._

_I don’t feel like trying much. I know that I should though. It is the thing I am practicing now, **doing** the things I think that I am supposed to. I do what my dad would expect me to. It’s not too hard. He believes me to be smart, and I do think he is right. Therefore, I am inclined to think he wants me to apply that of myself. So I shall, eventually. I haven’t quite gotten the hang of **doing** yet. It feels like I’m trying though, even though I don’t put effort into it everyday. I should though. That’s what I **should** be doing after all. It gets easier though. Some days more so than others, although I still procrastinate quite a bit._

_The thing is, it does not feel like I actually care about any of this. I spend so much time thinking on my emotions, trying to figure out how they work, why I don’t even **feel** all of them. Why my anger is like having my eyes roll back into my head, and everything else just moves on its own. My words, my body. They do such terrible deeds. ~~I have put a pillow over someone’s face and denied her air in a fit of rage. At least, that is what I think I did. I could have put my hands around her throat.~~ I barely remember now. I have tried to bury the memory. It never leaves though. As if it must constantly remind me of what I am capable of. I’m not sure if I even feel guilt about it, or if I consider it because I enjoyed it._

_I wonder how it is one understands their emotions any how. How do they work? How do we know for sure that is actually what those emotions even mean? The days I seem happiest, I am actually the most empty. When I feel nothing, it is very easy to smile and pretend to be who I think I am expected to be._

_Am I a **monster**? I have certainly been called such before. The words burn against my skin as if they were branded there. **Monster**. I do not understand. I no longer want to understand._

This is my goodbye.

* * *

Fingers curled around the letter; a frustrated, pained noise escaped from lips. Tears dotted the softly written letters, softening the ink and smudging it. It was all he had left of his friend. He wanted, desperately, to know who had called them a _monster_ , who had brought on this train of thought in their mind. They had been such a fragile sliver of innocence; someone he had wanted to protect. Seeing this letter laid simply by the open window, the paper soft and wrinkled with how many times it had been erased and rewritten on, he was left with a bitter sense of guilt. He had proffered a hand a thousand times to them, but not nearly enough times obviously.

In the back of his mind, he wondered what drove Erika to decide to jump from the window of their bedroom. He knew that they were struggling with their identity, and with the recent death of their mother, everything seemed to be falling apart, but he thought… he _thought_. Now they were gone, and there was absolutely nothing that he could do about it.

“Ryuu-kun…?” Erika’s father stood in the doorway, looking small and fragile, a broken man. He had lost so much in such a small span of time. Mr. Kurosawa knew Erika had problems and had tried getting them professional help, everything he could think of to help his little _girl_. Sure, he hadn’t understood that Erika didn’t identify as a girl, but he had been trying to.

Tanaka stood, facing the tired, old man, “Sorry, I’ll, uh…” His words trailed off, and he moved his free hand in a motion to describe he intended to go. Mr. Kurosawa nodded slightly in understanding, and Tanaka kept the letter.

* * *

_“Hahaha! Your smile…!” Erika’s voice cracked with laughter, and Tanaka was pouting, “You look like a shark!” Tanaka turned red at that._

_“I do not!” he denied, and Erika continued to giggle, like the snot nosed kid she was. Saeko laughed at that._

_“A shark!” she giggled in agreement, and Erika just grinned at her._

* * *

Tanaka’s head felt like it was closing in on itself. He didn’t know what to make of all of this. Everything seemed so surreal. It was impossible for him to wrap his mind around the idea of Erika being gone. They had always been there. _Always_. They had grown up together, and Erika was supposed to be coming to Karasuno that year.

Now it felt like Tanaka couldn’t even sit still in his seat. The edges of his eyes felt like they were burning. He stared at the board, but couldn’t even read the information that was written there. He could barely make sense of half the school material before, but now he was fucked. How could one day change everything so _drastically_? Tanaka sucked in a deep breath and attempted to lock his emotions away again. It had been so easy before… to hide how upset he was with anger, now why wasn’t it working?

“Ryuu… _Ryuu_?” Nishinoya had his hand on Tanaka’s shoulder, and Tanaka’s eyes regained their focus. He looked over at Nishinoya, who looked seriously worried.

“You okay?” Nishinoya asked. Tanaka mustered up a tiny, forced smile that probably looked pretty similar to his usual smile.

“Of course,” no one needed to worry about him. Tanaka was still himself. He just had to figure out who that was again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am very sorry.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daichi and Suga try to help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _The lake will overflow,_   
>  _Flood all I've ever known,_   
>  _Break walls and sever bones,_   
>  _Now i'l hold it in my heart,_   
>  _Just for you to fall apart,_   
>  _Stunt all we'd ever grown_
> 
> \- "Weather" by Novo Amor

Tanaka’s room was a mess. It wasn’t a disorderly mess either. It was a destructive one. His desk was no longer usable, and there were multiple holes in the walls from his fists. Now he was sitting in the midst of the wreckage and staring at the one of the walls that were left untouched by his fists, tears rolling his cheeks. What was he supposed to do with this _feeling_?  He wanted to scream loudly, but couldn’t even work up the strength. If only there was someway to release all of this all at once. He wiped at his eyes quickly, sniffling softly. His room was a mess and he was not proud of it.

All he felt was anger, sadness, and _finally_ , emptiness. He knew Daichi and Suga had noticed his strange behavior because there were moments when he would have gotten mad at the first years but instead let it roll off his back like it was a non-issue. Nishinoya kept getting left hanging in his excitement by Tanaka because he just wasn’t feeling it, and Tanaka didn’t really want to think about the upcoming funeral that he had to attend in a week.

Sure, it was a closed casket, so it wasn’t like he was going to be forced to see Erika turned into a sleeping doll. Tanaka didn’t think he could handle that, but also because he still couldn’t believe that she was gone. It had been pretty late at night when he received his last text from them, which said nothing more than a simple “ _I love you_ ”, the platonic sort that gave him a sick feeling in his stomach when he thought about it now.

“Tanaka-san, could you stay after practice?” Suga asked him with a gentle smile on his face that told Tanaka that he didn’t have much choice in the matter. Tanaka merely nodded in response, not particularly worried about it. He was sure he could lie his way around and out of this “talk” as well as he had done with Saeko the other night. Saeko wore her grief like a badge. She hadn’t worn anything with color since they heard about Erika.

Tsukishima smirked at Tanaka after blocking one of his spikes, “Too easy,” and for some reason, that had been enough to set his blood ablaze. Tanaka’s eyes narrowed.

“Oh yeah?” he growled, and Tsukishima seemed a little surprised that Tanaka had even risen to his provocations. Tanaka had been ignoring him for the most part since Tsukishima started the club. He was unaware that getting angry was Tanaka’s usual, and Tanaka’s next several spikes broke through Tsukishima’s lackadaisical defense. Tanaka even got energetic for a moment and cheered with Nishinoya like the usual pair of idiots they usually were until Tanaka broke when he looked at Tsukishima for the first time. Tsukishima’s haircut resembled Erika’s a little, and his smile fell completely off of his face because for a moment, he thought he had seen them in a far taller, very male body.

“Ryuu?” Nishinoya suddenly spoke, breaking Tanaka out of his soul crushing grief and a shaky smile spread across his face.

“I’m fine,” he waved it off, but Nishinoya looked nowhere near convinced, and Daichi was raising one of his eyebrows at him. Tsukishima even looked a little shaken when Tanaka looked at him. Tanaka supposed that Tsukishima was unfamiliar with someone looking like their cat had been run over in front their eyes when gazing in his general direction. Tanaka was not about to apologize for it though.

After practice, he was held back by Suga and Daichi, who both had their serious parent faces on, and Tanaka suddenly felt like he had to split before a single word was even spoken. It felt like the sense of dread he got before a lecture from his parents, or when Saeko found out he broke her door ( _it was an accident_, he sweared).

“Tanaka-san…” Suga started as if he were treading on eggshells with Tanaka, which made him a little mad because he wasn’t a fragile little butterfly. A few harsh words weren’t going to kill him, probably…

“Is there something going on?” Daichi interjected because Suga was struggling with his words, and Suga gave Daichi a sharp look, which most likely said he thought Daichi was being a little _too_  direct, but Tanaka was crashing like a tidal wave, and Daichi had watched it happen for long enough. He couldn’t let Suga simply skirt around the reality of it for something as simple as courtesy. That courtesy allowed Tanaka’s state to last for _this_  long.

“Not really,” Tanaka responded, avoiding eye contact. Daichi frowned, and Suga sighed.

“Yes, there _is_ ,” Suga responded with a forceful tone that he rarely used, “That’s why we’re asking now. You need to talk to _someone_  about this, whatever it is.” Suga looked genuinely concerned about Tanaka, and Daichi looked a little peeved by Tanaka avoiding the question.

“It’s not something you just _talk_  about,” Tanaka snapped with venom, and Suga’s eyes widened. Suga had been aware that they were treading into uncharted territory, but it wasn’t really like Tanaka to hide things from them. Tanaka had always been pretty open about everything, even when he was feeling a little bummed out. It seemed that whatever had happened with Tanaka was no small matter.

“We can’t help you if you don’t tell us anything about it,” Daichi pointed out carefully, and Suga nodded his agreement. Tanaka did not appear to be anywhere close to backing down, however. In fact, he looked even more irritated.

“If you don’t want to talk to us about it, then find someone you do because you can’t keep bottling this up like you are,” Suga added. He reached out to put a hand on Tanaka’s bicep. Tanaka flinched, moving away from the touch.

“I can’t…” Tanaka hesitated, “Talk to the person I want to.” Suga’s eyebrows pressed together in confusion. Tanaka looked like he was already on the verge of tears and wouldn’t even look up to meet either of their eyes. Daichi crossed his arms with a thoughtful frown.

“Why not?” he asked, “Even if you’re fighting, if it’s something serious then surely they can forgive you.” Tanaka shook his head, balling his fists at his sides. He felt like he was drowning. If only everything was that simple… The person he wanted to talk to, to yell at, to scream at was no longer reachable. They couldn’t give him any answers, which was really what he wanted… He wanted to know _why_.

“It’s not that simple,” Tanaka responded stiffly. Daichi looked perplexed. He ran a hand through his short hair, and Suga attempted to catch Tanaka’s eyes as if they held all of the answers to the universe.

“How come?” Daichi pressed, continuing his interrogation mercilessly. Tanaka shook, sucking in a broken breath. He didn’t want to think about this, much less _talk_ about it. It felt like he was attempting to swallow a sharp rock just bringing the topic up, even more so when merely alluding to it. Tanaka dug his short fingernails into the palms of his hands and gritted his teeth. There was no way that Daichi was just going to let this go, especially not with Suga encouraging him. It was starting to feel like Tanaka didn’t have much of a choice but to talk about it, and sweet mother of gods, he really did not _want_  to.

“I don’t want to worry you guys with it, ok?” Tanaka pushed. The words were his last hope that maybe, just _maybe_ , he could convince them to drop the subject. It didn’t seem like it was going to happen though with the way Suga pursed his lips.

“Maybe you should worry us more often,” Suga said with a tone that borderlined on bitter, and Tanaka couldn’t help but feel bad that he was continuing to hide this from the others. He couldn’t stop though. Admitting that it was really happening, telling people about it would make it real, and Tanaka was no where near ready for that.

“We only want to help,” Daichi attempted, but he looked convinced that they weren’t going to get a peep out of Tanaka at that point. It seemed they were fighting an uphill battle, and they had certainly lost for the day. Of course, that did not mean they were going to give up. Daichi just believed that he and Suga would have to simply give it another go the following day. It was really all they could do with Tanaka refusing help at the moment. Suga didn’t look ready to back down, however. Daichi placed a hand on Suga’s shoulder, and when Suga looked at him, he could see the indecision flicker through Suga’s eyes and felt a little uncertain himself.

“I know,” Tanaka said softly before hurrying out of the gym doors. Daichi felt Suga’s shoulder tremble beneath his hand, and Daichi slid his hand around the setter’s shoulders.

“He’s gonna be fine. We’ll help him, don’t worry,” Daichi reassured his boyfriend softly, and Suga looked at Daichi with uncertainty in his eyes.

“How can you be so sure?” Suga questioned the other boy, and Daichi frowned slightly, pulling Suga closer to him.

“Because I have to be, Koushi,” Daichi responded, and Suga smiled slightly at him.

“Of course,” Suga sounded bemused, and Daichi was warmed by that. Daichi had a feeling that they hadn’t seen the worst of it yet. A deep sense of uncertainty settled in him, and he was unsure as to what he was supposed to do with it. It would have been easier if he could’ve stayed blissfully happy in the world of Suga for a little while longer, but summer really was over, and Tanaka needed their attention. He was spiralling. Daichi just hoped that he and Suga really would be enough to bring the second year back up for air.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm still really sorry for all the sad feelings. i'm horrible, i know.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tanaka comes back to reality a little.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> " _Look in the mirror and ask the mirror if you're alright_  
>  _Put out the glitter that your soul hides behind_  
>  _You're in my mind_ "
> 
> \- "Before You Start Your Day" by Twenty One Pilots

Tanaka had his phone out and got halfway through his text before realizing that he was texting Erika, who wouldn’t respond to it even if it made it to her old phone. It hit him then, in that moment, that Erika really was _gone_. Clutching his clunky cell phone tightly in one hand, he covered his eyes with the other and tried not to cry. He never thought he could lose someone so close to him so _easily_. It seemed impossible back before Erika’s… _death._ Tanaka, Erika, and Saeko were always going to be together. It had been his constant, his bungee cord. Tanaka had known that no matter how many times he fought with Erika or Saeko, they would always forgive one another. Now it was just him and Saeko, and it was hard to even look at Saeko. Erika and Saeko had always had so much in common despite the age difference. It hurt to see his sister looking so concerned for him, when she was so often crying when she thought Tanaka was asleep.

Without Erika, everything just felt so _wrong_ , like there was a puzzle piece missing. Tanaka barely knew what to do with himself. He sucked in a deep breath, staring hard at the sidewalk ahead of him. All Tanaka had to do was hold it together long enough to get through school. He had to keep moving forward. It was what Erika would’ve wanted. Tanaka nodded to himself and continued to make his way to the train station. He had _thought_ he would be able to make it without incident. That was his first mistake.

“Oh! Didn’t you say Eri-chan was starting here this year? What class is she in?” Nishinoya asked, his arms spread out as he tipped into Tanaka’s space. It was an innocent question, and it certainly didn’t warrant the reaction Tanaka had to it, but the moment Tanaka looked into Nishinoya’s face, everything in him just sort of _shattered_. Tanaka took in a deep breath, and that was as far as he got before the tears started rolling down his cheeks.

“Ah! Ryuu! What’s wrong!?” Nishinoya cried, waving his arms in a panic, and Tanaka would’ve laughed if he wasn’t dealing with the fact that he couldn’t tell Nishinoya what class Erika was in because they weren’t in one because they were… They were gone… Tanaka hadn’t been ready for anyone to remember his proud excitement about his (almost) younger sister coming to Karasuno.

“E-Eri-chan…” Tanaka started, swiping at his tears and wishing he wasn’t such an embarrassing mess. He felt completely humiliated by the fact that he was crying right then, in front of the gym. They were _supposed_ to be at practice. Now he was bawling like a giant baby, and Nishinoya was freaking out loudly enough to draw the attention of the other people around. Tanaka struggled for breath between his sobs as Nishinoya anxiously patted and rubbed him on the back while simultaneously moving everywhere.

“What about Eri-chan?” Nishinoya attempted to get Tanaka to talk more about it, and Tanaka ought to tell Nishinoya of all people, since he knew Erika and always called her “onee-san” when addressing her. Tanaka was a little surprised that he said “Eri-chan” to begin with.

“She… _She_ …” Tanaka shook, attempting to force his tongue to get the words out. He needed to say it, keeping it in made him feel like his insides were rotting away, “She’s _gone_.” The words came out with such force behind them that at first, Nishinoya seemed a little confused. Then the color simply drained from his face.

“Wa-wait…” Nishinoya started softly, touching Tanaka’s bicep softly, “That can’t…” Tanaka nodded slightly, drying the last of his tears. Nishinoya stared into Tanaka’s face, eyes searching.

“I’m so sorry,” he breathed. Tanaka was shocked by those words. He had half expected Nishinoya to burst into tears, but then again, Tanaka hadn’t either when he first found out. Nishinoya walked like a robot into the gym, and Tanaka had a feeling that Nishinoya was going to be seeking Asahi out for comfort. Tanaka knew Nishinoya found Asahi’s presence very relaxing. He also knew that Nishinoya more than likely was in love with Asahi but hadn’t quite connected all the dots yet.

Tanaka felt a little relieved. He had finally told Nishinoya like he had wanted for quite a while. He was also glad that Nishinoya didn’t bombard him with questions about what had happened. He had only just come to terms with it all himself. Tanaka was pretty sure he wouldn’t be able to handle talking about much else. He pressed a cool hand to his stinging eyelids, hoping that would help ease the swelling pain there.

After a few more minutes, he wandered in the gym to find Asahi trying to calm down the Nishinoya waterworks, and everyone else looking like they were at a loss for words. Tanaka almost wanted to turn around and walk back out. He had hoped Nishinoya wouldn’t just break down in front of everyone. He wasn’t ready to talk about it. It didn’t take long for Asahi to finally coax Nishinoya to a more private place for them to talk, and Sugawara walked up to Tanaka with a worried expression. Tanaka felt his stomach drop, and the world turned to ice for a second.

“Tanaka… do you know what happened?” Sugawara asked carefully, and Tanaka breathed a sigh of relief. No beans had been spilled. Tanaka frowned slightly at the question, mulling it over for a few seconds.

“Yes, uh, he’ll be, um, ok,” Tanaka responded stiffly, in a way that was nowhere near reassuring. Sugawara’s frown grew. Daichi, however, pulled Sugawara away and started practice like nothing happened at all. The first years seemed a little on edge, but they managed to do ok, which was more than what could be said about Tanaka, who probably played record breakingly bad. It didn’t help that when Tanaka saw Tsukishima out of the corner of his eye, he mistook the other for Erika. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so, _so_ sorry that this is still hella sad.


End file.
